My 3 Year old started preschool today. I don’t think a little girl could have been any more excited than this little girl, the whole family was excited! At 6am I awoke to 3 little girls fully dressed and fretting at my failure to have made lunch yet.
And I wanted it all to stop. Freeze. For the love of God, SLOW DOWN! Because she was ready but I sure as hell wasn’t.
I spoke to my husband last night about it. This is the first time in 6 1/2 years I won’t have at least one child to look after, it’s not like having someone babysit for an hour or having time when they are asleep, this is ‘I’m not being Mum’ time… he didn’t get it. He just hoped the house might get cleaned now.
We dropped my big girl at school and I was about to continue on with my two big preschoolers when a friend and her child caught up to walk together. To a rational mind, this was Perfect! The girls laughed and talked together, it was just another day, we talked as we followed and my 3 year old walked into preschool like she owned the place, she felt right at home, perfect.
The crazy loopy rejected mother mind was going NO. no no no no no, you don’t walk with us, this is my last 10 minutes of being with my baby, I was planning on hugging her 50 times on the way to preschool, I was going to stop and look at all the different flowers and not hurry her at all, I was going to ask her to tell me a story about clouds and sing a song with her. Sure I would have made her paranoid as hell and she probably would have suspected I was leaving for good and had a meltdown when I left… But I wasn’t ready!
After drop off, I checked I had my bag and keys over and over because something didn’t feel right, It was a sickening feeling. Then I rang my husband, shouted about my ‘moment’ being torn away from me and had a good cry. He quite rightly pointed out it was the perfect way for her to start … but I always feel better after a good shout so proceeded to rant all the way to the coffee shop regardless. It had nothing to do with my lovely friend and everything to do with the growing up of both my children and me it seems.
I didn’t think I was that sentimental but this has been tough. I’m having an extra big wine tonight and hugging all my girls a bit longer because as much as I hate the idea, we are on to another chapter. (insert a whole lot of expletives) We don’t have babies anymore, and that’s so increadibly sad.